Stories

While anxiety and stress have always been a part of my life, I’ve only recently found ways to cope with it.

By Kellen Voss

In the middle of August this past summer, I took the afternoon off from my job as a camp counselor at Kids Rock summer camp to go to what would end up being the most important doctor’s appointment of my life.

Stress and Anxiety runs in my family. My Mom and Dad were both diagnosed with it when they were teenagers, and are both now on medication to help cope with their mental injuries.

I’ve always stressed about everything in my life, from quantitative variables like grades and earning money from my various jobs to qualitative variables like whether my friends actually like me and how many parents and brothers were doing as well.

Stress was seen as something that I would try to ignore, but it recently got to a point where working three jobs over the summer, not being able to sleep at night, worrying about working out as much as possible, stress involving my family at home and missing all my friends I met freshmen year in college became too much to handle.

As you can probably guess, at that August appointment at Lakewood Family Medicine, I was diagnosed with anxiety, as well as retroactively diagnosed with PTSD back in high school.

As Kevin Love mentioned in his Players Tribune piece, I always knew that people struggled with things like depression, anxiety and PTSD, but I never thought it could happen to me. I assumed it was only diagnosable amongst those who have gone through a traumatic event, or even an excuse to miss certain events and homework assignments.

But alas, it can happen to any of us, even those with a pretty good family situation. Both my parents have been madly in love with each other since 1996. Money has never been a problem, as despite our house almost being foreclosed upon in 2012, we’ve always lived a fairly normal middle class lifestyle.

I was that stereotypical kid from a small town who loved sports, as I used these fun yet ultimately meaningless ways to ignore the horrible things happening in the world around me. I played football and basketball from 3rd grade through all of high school, and also picked up shot put once I entered high school at Zeeland East.

Being that I wanted to be as good at these sports as possible, I became obsessed with them and put a lot of pressure on myself to work as hard as I can excel in these sports. While I believe hard work should never be seen as a bad thing, a case could be made that I experienced a bit of burnout.

It didn’t help that I had no self confidence growing up. I didn’t grow to be 6 foot 6 until my sophomore year of high school, and before that I was a fat middle schooler with long red hair, a mouth full of braces, thick glasses and no ability to talk to girls, much like many of my friends.

Despite my awkward middle school experience, I always used sports as a way to cope, specifically Basketball. I remember getting to school and out of lunch as soon as I could so I could go shoot in the gym. I remember many Saturday and Sunday afternoons spent shooting at the outdoor court by the park by my house, dreaming about playing high school basketball for the Zeeland East basketball.

In order to stay in shape for basketball, I also played football in high school. That’s where the bullying began. Being that there were only six of us sophomores forced to play on Varsity on a team with 35 grown men, we were all targets everyday in practice, with fat jokes, nerd jokes, and not-having-a-girlfriend jokes galore.

While those hurtful words stuck with me for a while, they ultimately made me stronger, as I grew thick skin while being the best athlete I could be, finding safe spaces in the weight room and on the basketball court.

Once senior year arrived and I had finally gained some confidence, everything went downhill once again. Being that we had a very verbally abusive football coach (who is still at the school because he wins games), I was the subject of bullying in practice by someone who was supposed to be my superior.

And I wasn’t the only target of this bullying. This was a grown man who smelled of alcohol who called one of my mentally disabled teammate a ‘retard’ multiple times for missing certain blocks.

All this verbal abuse ultimately led to my confidence hitting an all-time low, as my grades starting to slip and spending time with my friends seemed more like a chore than anything else.

I remember crying to myself in bed multiple beds, not wanting to go to school or football practice the next days. I had dreams of suicide, where I would hang myself or jump off a cliff. In these dreams, after my death, I would attend my own funeral as a ghost and realize how little people truly loved me.

Everyone is going through something, as Kevin Love echoed in his eloquently written piece in the Player’s Tribune. I assumed it couldn’t happen to me. I wrongfully assumed that depression and anxiety was only something that could happen to sad goth girls who worship satan, but it can truly affect anyone and everyone.

While that Fall was the darkest period of my life, it ultimately taught me about how to deal with stress and anxiety, and it explains my diagnosis earlier this summer.

Sports are a really great thing, as they bring a group of people together to reach a common goal and have fun doing it. But as fun as sports are to watch and play, they can sometimes be the culprit to stress, anxiety and episodes like mine. That’s why Lakers Listen was established here on campus, because everyone could use someone to listen to them, even athletes.

While everyone deals with stress in different ways, I can offer a few ways that help me cope when I’m feeling down and too stressed to focus. I’ve found that spending as much time as possible with the people that love you can ultimately help in the end.

And don’t be afraid to talk about what you are going through. That was part of my problem, being that I grew up as a football player in small town, where grown men aren’t supposed to show emotion, unless they want to be seen as “pussies”

But I’ve learned that there’s nothing wrong with expressing what you’re feeling. In fact, vocalizing your feelings with someone who truly cares, whether it be a parent, friend, teammate or coach, can go such a long way.

So to wrap up this long personal story, I’ll leave whoever is still reading with this: don’t be afraid to share your feelings and express with is hurting you. There are always people that are willing to listen to you, and there will always be people around that love you, no matter what.

And if anyone reading this is struggling with stress, anxiety or even thoughts of suicide like myself, don’t be afraid to speak out. If you need someone to talk, you can contact those who work with the Anchor Team, as they’ll be more than willing to help you. Also, check out the resources tab of this website, as we’ve provided you with many outlets to vocalize your feelings on a local, state and national level.

Just remember: you are special, and you are not alone.

Thank you for reading, and God Bless,

-Kellen Voss